*merryxmasss

had a great family brunch today.
watched a movie in IMAX theatre for the first time.
shared some interesting conversations,
oh.. and finished reading 2 Corinthians

Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Rejoice. Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you. - 2 Corinthians 13: 11

.justanote.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness". So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corthinians 12" 8-10

Wise words from my buddy Paul to the Corinthians back in the day. The thought of embracing my weaknesses....you know...kind of blows my mind Paul was able to come across that point. Sometimes I want to dig the deepest hole in a really deep cave in a really deep forest and just stuff all my weaknesses in there so nobody and see it. Yet God is wanting us to not only acknowledge our weaknesses but boast about them. Usually I'm tough enough to face my weaknesses but I'm in such a hurry to overcome it. I never really sit and think, "YES! this is a good thing".

tonight i felt a little excitment to know that within very hardship i'll grow that much more intimate with Christ. exciting but a tad scary if you know what i mean. i need more faith.

"my world it moves so fast today"

my world it moves so fast today
the past it seems so far away
- Lauryn Hill

what in the world? how is my fall semester already finished?! i can't believe i'm half way done my 4th year. With all the frustrations, deadlines, panic attacks, and time consumption from the seven courses that i endured this semester ...at the end of the day i'm really going to miss them!! i can honestly walk away and say that I'VE DONE MY BEST..even if i don't get my derserving A lol. i don't think i could have ever said that about my other unviserity years. i've met such awesome people in my music program this year.. God has revealed and blessed me a lot through them. One thing i know for sure, i neeeed to get out of the little circle of the korean community. especially get connected with nonkorean musicians. boy, they are something different.

playlist- the ultimate R&B and FUNK classics. It disgusts me to know that the younger kids of this generation will probably consider someone like bruno mars or lady gaga or who ever else has a teeny bit more talent than miley cyrus as something special when the real artists who revolutionized what we hear today all belong to the past. i shudder when i listen to the radio or watch tv

cold october.

"does it seem colder in your summertime and hotter in your fall?" -Eryka Badu

the weather is indeed..completely WHACK in the city of Toronto right now. wearing my parka out at this time of the year.. i remember exactly a year ago when i went out to party for halloween in a really short skirt and blazer....i was completely fine. the crisp weather isn't bringing me down though! for once in my life i've been really embracing the chilly weather this year. i think the change is not just my surroundings but my own perspective that God has opened up. midterms had just come to an end for me this past thursday... but i have this great desire to keep on pushing hard with my school work. last night while everyone went out to go drink i was with one of my close friends studying.. and she burst out laughing saying ,"WHAT?!?! this assignment you're working on is due NOV 15?!!". honestly even as i write this blog entry i'm thinking about playing the piano, practicing singing, working on my song, and school assignments subconsciously.

...anyways. right now i am reading 1 Corinthians for my QT. i've been really enjoying this book and the one before it which was the book of Romans.

1 Corinthians 4:12-13
" We bless those who curse us. We are patient with those who abuse us. We respond gently when evil things are said about us."

it's so easy to love people who love us already. Scripture says loving and giving to people who already love you is not a very hard accomplishment..even the taxcollectors did that. It's about learning to love people who have the uttermost horrible view or opinion of you, who talk shit about you, who have backstabbed you, who won't accept you..so on and so forth. From my personal experiences, there's nothing more that hurt me more than when relationships with people get wrecked. sometimes we won't get into the school or grad program we worked our asses for. sometimes family businesses will go crashing down. but there's nothing like having conflicts or problems with people. probably why God put our second most important commandmant as "love your neighbors as yourself" as in not just people who already love you..but those that don't like you vice versa. (ps- this is just a personal QT reflection i wanted to share..i'm not trying to preach anyone!)

i think in the midest of this crazy year with school + grad school applications, serving at church, etc. i feel very much at peace because God has gracefully given me that peace. but it took hell of a long process to get here trust me. i only hope that whatever temptation comes in my way to rock this inner peace, i will make the right decision that God desires towards anyone and anything.


*playlist- more R&B and Gospel music (my new obsession)

powerful.

if i had to describe 4th year with one word..it would be crazy.
i can't explain what i've been experiencing these past few weeks.
but i just want to say that God is good. He is simply so good.
he's been teaching me a lot about dicipline, faith, love, passion, and commitment.
Admist of all these things i believe he's really been giving me clear visions of what kind of daughter in Christ he wants me to be. Thank you Lord for your guidance. Let me fear absolutely nothing but you Father.

---i just wanted to share quickly how amazing it was singing with the York University Gospel Choir today. i got really emotional on stage and during my time at Knox Presybetarian Church. Tonight was a worship night there and at the church were many different ethnicities and various types of music presented to us. But they were all there to praise our one God. Seeing all these multicultural groups come together to simpy worship God was definitely an eye opener for me. Made me grasp the sense of truth that our God is so damn real. From Korean to Chinese to Jamaican to Armanian to Canadian.. you name it.. i witnessed so many choirs from different churches tonight. i feel so honoured and blessed to have been part of it.

"playlist - i think r&b and korean ballads pretty much define who i am...some tracks i've been OBSESSED with lately are the first 4 songs. the last song "How excellent" was one of the songs i performed with my gospel choir tonight. doesn't do justice to a live choir. trust me.

newEndingsnewBeginnings.

can't believe this summer is coming to an end in 2 weeks.
this summer ... i don't know.. i can't really sum up in words what this summer was all about.
but some of the things i did were, go to a cottage x2, beach, many many dt patios, drive-in movie, do a photoshoot, met up with friends i haven't seen in a decade, one retarded night of getting drunk out of my ass, went on dates, went to brampton to see pro baseball players (better than watching the jays game, which i did this summer too because i actually knew a guy on the team we went to go see!)...

ya anyways... lets get down to the more intimate stuff.

this summer i felt like God was trying to emphasize the importance of alot of things ..like dicipline, obedience, faith, but most importantly love. it's come to a point where i don't have to remind myself to do QT anymore. but the challenge in that was that i tended to just read the bible and not dig into the scripture because it became such a routine. the book of Philippians is helping me really take heart of what scripture is and i end up reading one chapter like 3 times because God's message in every verse holds such significance..and i don't wanna forget it. serving in the youth and EM worship team was a challenge at one point this summer and i started to slack off. but a good wake up call made me realize ..this isn't for me, this is for Him. making a commitment to this team has been one of the biggest blessings for me spiritually and musically.
from the many things i've experienced this summer...i think i'm incredibly thankful for where my relationships have come. i've reached places i thought i could never go with my parents, close friends, and those whom i didn't even consider friends.
after 4 weeks of hard struggle on the piano....i've 'composed' a couple of unfinished piano compositions.. but today i wrote my first song. i am excited to put this song together with chords tomorrow..and let people hear it so i can get some feedback. i feel a little more relieved. but still deathly frightened about all this grad school nonsense.

*playlist- past couple of weeks i've been really inspired by those five tracks while i was in the process of improvising and composing songs. i want to make music like that. music that can touch your unconsciousness and bring you to an emotional place where you can be real with yourself. and God.

"in everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you." - Philippians 2:14-15

direction.

as i've began my very first 'composition'..
playing around with chords, intervals, melodies, and inversions on the piano...
my improvisation is slowwwwwwwwly but surely turning into a structured song.
a song that i can reclaim of my own. i never thought that i had the ability to do this, But God has truly brought me to places beyond my imagination with music.
i've been reading research papers from the grad school i plan on applying to.. reading findings from their on site campus clinics. one of the research papers said this,

"when one has connection with their own repetoire, they can connect with others in a deeper level'

the more i learn about this grad program. i grow more interest and passion for it. i can see why God has chosen this unexpected direction for me. Praise the Lord!


*playlist- dedicated to Christina Aguilera...because i forgot how amazing she was. Her new single 'You Lost Me' totally touched me on an emotional level that i just don't get from radio music these days. ended up downloading exactly 21 songs from Christina's old and new albums. it was definitely difficult to cut it down to such a short amount for the playlist!

Faith.

"faith is not belief without proof, but trusting in Him and already knowing."

this will be one blunt post that might make me look like a straight up bitch.
some people I just can't seem to stand seriously. their actions, character, personality, beliefs, past relations with them..or whatever it is will make me cringe inside being around them. especially if i've never had a personal depth of closeness with you.. cutting you out...or bumping you from 'friend' to 'acquaintance' is not big deal. i've had ALOT of people come in and out of my life.
that was my mentality...
until someone i couldn't stand for years totally caught me off gaurd today. they gave me a small but worthy sign of appreciation. and i was ever so greatful.
all this time i've been praying to God saying something along the lines of.... i have faith that everything will turn out right through You. yet i had absolutely no Faith in people that simply annoyed me. how did i ever expect for people to recognize my changes and mistakes and have compassion towards it .. when i don't give them the equal opportunity?
He has totally humbled me down tonight.

midjulycrisis.

past couple of weeks have been really frustrating. i'm singing songs repetitively over and over again trying to hit those notes that seem impossible to reach. i dread going to the piano to practice repetoire that daunt me. i feel like i'm improving 0%. when did my passion become such a chore? i'm starting to get terrified as each discouraging practice session at home passes by and i'm only getting closer to my grad school applications, audition, and deadlines. yes, in the midest of my mid-july-crisis.. i went to small group today and i was awakened. awakened by the fact that i wasn't alone in feeling lost and concerned about my future. that i'm not alone on this journey. thanks girls, you guys are awesome! i'm beginning to get a glimpse of why God desires unity and fellowship within his children. it's been a huge blessing coming into this small group in many ways. but i love particularly how each of our members are so different in personality and character.. but they all embody strong opinions, respect, the brains, that..."nuh-uh i don't tolerate BS" right amount of attitude, and of course love for Christ...i feel like each week our discussions are never boring :)

QT** it's been a long sauga since april.. but i've managed to finish Mathew,Mark, Luke, John and finally on Acts! i mean i know how significant the Passover weekend is to us. But reading it in different versions four times consecutively was a challenge but indeed meaningful and informative! excited to see what His Word will reveal to me in the book of Acts.

playlist- obsessed with this korean drama right now called Bad Guy ('nabbun namja')..all the music is from the official soundtrack.. i particularly loveee the first song on that list.

bliss.

do you know where your heart is
do you think you can find it
or did you trade it for something
somewhere better just to have it
do you know where your love is
do you think that you lost it
you felt it so strong, but
nothing's turned out how you wanted
- OneRepublic : Say (All i need)

i was listening to this song on Phil's CD on our way to the cottage ..and he didn't know the title of the song so i started to write part of the lyrics on my cell phone and saved it as a draft. came home. googled it. dowloaded it. wow i am such a nerd and obsessed with good songs when i hear one.
i think i finally realize where my heart and my love is. actually i'm pretty sure i knew all along exactly where it was, i'm just not afraid to admit it now. i was taking some time last night to ...for once in my life not pray about me and my life and my future.. but just sit my ass down and focus on each member of my immediate family..my mom, dad, and my brother. how is it that my life would drastically change in a split second.. if i were to loose any of the 3 but i'm not doing anything about the fact that none of them know Christ. i feel like i really need to pray for my family more. that prayer led me trying to pray for all the people around me. that eventually led me to praying for you. it was the most liberating feeling to pray for someone who i know for a fact that hates me to death right now..but i felt complete genuine love for that person.
so much of my heart and love is still with you.
but i didn't pray hoping for a miracle so that one day just maybe we'll get another chance.
i prayed in hopes that maybe one day you will know the God that i know and he will change you and your life the way He has changed mine.


* playlist dedicated to songs that i listened to during this weekend (from wayne's amazing ipod list) ..that i totally forgot about..and once again redownloaded once i got home =)

sci-fi.

something about creatures with extrodinary abilities with fangs that drink human blood really interests me..clearly.... because i've been watching vampire diraries ALL DAY LONG.. finished ep 1-7 which is... almost half of the total season episodes. hahaha plus i've read the 3rd and currently finishing up the 4th twilight book Breaking Dawn (pretty psyched for the movie coming out soon too....). i remember i've always enjoyed vampire entertainment even when i was younger... like, The Interview with the vampire, Buffy the vampire slayer, Queen of the Damned, and even the Underworld movies. Someone needs to save me from this guilty pleasure. To avoid feeling like a total sloth inbetween my precious episodes of vampire diaries.. i cleaned the washrooms, dishes, and laundry today. i guess being sick for 2 weeks and having to be stuck at home most of the time makes you do these things!

it's been a summer where i honestly feel like ..i've got all the time in the world ..with no job or summer school... until i read my Grad School requirements and it said during the audition process i must "do a performance of a song (either composed or arranged by them)". i gotta double check tomorrow with a friend who has already graduated from this program but.. i hope this composition can be a song outside of classical sound... because classical singers don't compose music o.0...we sing the millions of 16th-20th century repetoire that is written for us hahahaha. but writing and composing a song should be fun.. and a huge challenge..but maybe this will be a first of many!

playlist: dedicated to musiq soulchild because he is beyond words amazing.

" Good and evil both increase at a compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. And apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible" - C.S. Lewis

..
oh man C.S. Lewis is one heckkkk of a writer,
those lines really stood out to me today while i was reading his book.
had to make an entry on it.
can't agree more with what he's written.. and a great reminder to how much our everylittle action matters.

sunnydays :)

what a blessing it has been these past couple of days with this awesome weather!! BBQS, beach, patios, diners, drinks... the living feels easyyyy hahaha.

i've been delaying to write on my blog these days ...i don't know what to talk about on here anymore LOL..
but tonight even though i'm super tired (because i don't sleep this late anymore)...i've decided to write about the things i'm reading during my QT...
reading a book called Mere Christianity By C.S. Lewis.. tonight's chapter was on Forgiveness. Lewis points out how we as Christians must "love people who have nothing lovable about them"..especially our enemies..those who have hurt us, betrayed us, backstabbed us..so on and so forth...basically 'hate a bad man's actions, but not hate the man". after reading that chapter i felt like ..my life is pretty smooth sailing right now ..but there are little things here and there that get to me because with my relations with certain people aren't at peace. hmm... definitely should pray about this.

Luke 7: 47 Jesus says, 'i tell you, her sins- and they are many-have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. but a person who is forgiven little shows only little love".
...
chyeaaa we can't be forgiven by Him unless we forgive the ppl around us.......

ps - playlist is more dedication to some r&b music. i just.cant.stop. crazy addicted.

taken back time.

tonight i had diner with a friend whom i haven't exchanged a single word with for 4 years. he used to be one of my best friends that i use to see every single day in high school. our conversation started out as something like, "why did we stop talking to each other?"...from then on for 3 hours straight we were just sharing about each others lives...past and present since the last time we've talked. it amazes me how we can talk to each other the way we do after all these years. i really wish i was one of those people who can carry out a conversation with anyone and click more easily with people. it's not that i'm selective with who i get close to but i only feel comfortable around certain people...it's like no matter how hard i try there are people that i just can't talk to. anyways i can honestly say that time hasn't changed anything between us...and time can change a lot of things, i feel really blessed to have had this opportunity to just catch up with you tonight.

*ps - playlist dedicated to Maxwell because he is so incredible.. i saw this coming for myself.. those tracks are most likely my top 5... including Pretty Wings but Ive had that song in another playlist so i didn't put that in =P

after a very busy past couple of weeks after exams..
i finally have some time to myself ..just at home..working on my voice for a good 2 hrs straight..watching lots of korean dramas (what my playlist was inspired by LOL).. digging into the Word of God. i've been putting in a lot of effort to meet up with old friends that i haven't seen in awhile ..and it's been totally awesome catching up! last week was craaazy with all these job interviews ..running across the city from downtown toronto to all the way east in scarborough...although unfortunately I AM STILL JOBLESS >=(...
as much as i love being around people and hate being at home sometimes... i think i'm definitely an introvert..because without days like today ..i tend to go a little insane.
......
...
..
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i wrote a really long blog post 2 nights ago and didn't end up publishing it because i wasn't sure if it was safe too write something about my dating life... even though i only have 6 followers hahaha and i dont' even know if the 6 come to my page regularly..but anyhow, this post is pretty much an entry with no substance

*'humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible". Matthew 19: 26

Donethirdyear=)

Just finished my last exam of the year! haha which gave me the time to make my layout a little more prettier aka more ME..being the girllyyyy girl i am. But clearly i have no web desgining talent and this is the best i can do -_-;;;. This year's been crazy. Met a lot of new people and built many new friendships. Learned a lot about myself by being thrown into places and situations that i wasn't familiar with..especially without my security blankets (close group of girls that i used to identify myself with, a significant other, drinking&partying 24/7). I think it's an interesting question to ask yourself..like who are you deep inside without relating to your friends,family,school,work etc... who are you between just you and God if you were to loose all of what was surrounding you? i don't have all the answers for myself yet either but i think i'm walking on the right track.

this summer is going to be about :getting a job and maintaining it, volunteering, serving church&fellowship&continuegrowing spiritually,working hard on my voice&piano skills and spending time with family, workingoutakalooseweight.

my playlist theme is YOUTUBE UNDERGROUND ARTISTS. All the musicians on that list write their own stuff..all though some of the songs they sang up there are covers. i'm so inspired by asians and especially koreans who are so loaded with talent and not full of bullshit like 98% of the 'singers' in korean entertainment. Esna and Lydia are one of my all time fav korean singers representin' us! their voices are so distinctive and urban <3. KANGEL is a friend of mine named michelle choi..and i'm just putting it out there cause as you can see she's INCREDIBLY talented ..reppin' KOREANS,TORONTO and FEMALE RAPPERS (like you guys don't know how hard it is to find this even in a hip hop community..1 in a million chance!..
these girls are so inspiring.

...
i wasn't going to update my blog until finals were done with..
but i love sharing and updating my playlist..so i was like oh wth i'll write a post too...
some awesome '90s r&b! these 6 songs on my list really gets me going emotionally when i listen to them..you know just one of those songs... that take you back to that time and place in your past ...and you can rememer in your head and feel it in your body and be like 'wow this is exactly how i remember myself feeling couple of years ago!". music is such a powerful thing..probably why i fell in love with it! speaking of music... today was my first sunday singing in the worship team,
i come from a background of doing countless performances and shows...and performing secular music was always about doing it for myself. strictly dealt with my love and passion for music.
Worship/praise i understand logically ..that it's about worshiping God and using my talent to honour His name, not mine. aside of all the nerves and anxiety of singing in front of the congregation.. i think i struggled with this the most: having my mind filled with all the musicality .."am i gonna sound good, or forget the lyrics, wil i remember the transitions, is my voice gonna crack". when really all i should be saying to myself is STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF and just PRAISE GOD...
i guess this will improve with experinece as i continue to serve in the worship team =)

mixpod was being a total pain in the ass today. i think i tried to save this new playlist so i can put up on my page like.. 8 times!! -_-"
i put some of my favvv super oldies up there because i was inspired while i was writing my 8 page essay on Rhythm&Blues. hahaha like what else would i write it on .. =D.
as much as i hate being in school sometimes, i've realized today how driven i am when it comes to getting things done. i love making accomplishments. it's such a satisfying feeling. but for the same reason i tend to have minor..or majr melt downs when things don't go my way LOL. something i should really meditate and pray about.
i've been really out of sync with my spiritual life these past couple of weeks. this is simply because everything seemed so smooth and sailing the past month or two. but most of us know things eventually go from good to boring to bad when you're not engaged with God...slowly but surely. sooo i talked to this about darrick last week and he said "God isn't someone you should run to when things are really good or really bad..you need to share your life with him all the time". i've been challenging myself to pray the past two days with nothing special on my mind and it's incredible where God leads your conversation if you just take the time to sit down and give it a chance! if you read this post. goo tryyyy nowww =D.

bahhh

so i've been showing off all winter how i haven't gotten sick once this season.
now that the weather is finally gettin beautiful i wake up with a sore throat and minor fever....
WHYWHYWHY!!!
*tear

Tis the Season of Lent

inspired by lisa..
i'm going to do a lent very similar to what she is doing!
40 days.
I sacrifice you junk food!
i've already started cutting some stuff out since last week or so..
but this will be an additional motivator

they say it takes 21 days for the average human being to adapt a habit.
so hopefully after 40 days this habit will embed in me.



day 1.

home early from a hotel jam ..and it feels good !
listening to some great rnb/jazz classics,
some luther vandross, aretha franklin, and etta james....
definitly some of my fav classics!
....
i watched THE worst movie of all time today.... WOLFMAN
don't everrrrrrrr watch this film...it's like 1980s ghetto plus zero speical effects movie with the cheesiest storyline and even cornier dialogues... just horrid!
but i watched this movie with a free coupon i had so whateverrr lol

mm so the main reason why i'm updating this blog is because i learned something today during our sharing time before praise practice ...one of our praise team members shared a story that really showed the true essence of God's grace. It's weird becuase i know that the idea of 'karma' roots from Buddhism but when i observe ppl receiving stuff they don't deserve/deserve i've always had that mind set of 'what goes around comes around'. ..
realized today that isn't how things actually work. When we receive something we know we don't deserve it is from the grace of God..
this just really humbled me down thinking that so much of the things i have are from His grace.. but a lot of the times i think that i worked hard for it or it's my parents etc.

adrenaline

house music is definitely an adrenaline of mine. without poppin thanks! lol. i find most ppl love it or hate it. anyways, this type of music is perfect when hitting the gym! really gets me going on that stupid tredmill. so after many nights of 'i'll start tomorrow' and 'only tonight' excuses.. i'm publically announcing that i have a goal to loose 10 lbs by April-May.
No Fast Food
No Junk Food
No Pop/Juice
Nothing Fried
No Meals past 8
....
i guess i'll start with fixing my eating habits for now. today was a close success except i gobbled down some inappropriate stuff around 930pm.

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- so i was reading The Message by Eugene H. Peterson last night and basically this book is a reworded version of the bible. i got this book as a xmas gift from a special someone and i'm so grateful because Peterson reworded Psalm 4:4-5 beautifully! :

"Keep your mouth shut, and let your heart do the talking"
:)

Presence of God!

...

wow. I'd just like to say what a privillege it was going to the Onnuri Worship Team Retreat last night. I know the day started out in a challenging way for the most of us because the Green Room was 8 hours straight of multiple different sermons. Mind you the average human only has 20 min attention span! hahaha i think i got most out of the first and last sermon by Dewitt Jones and Efrem Smith. Both speakers emphasized this idea of passion...and how we must have it burning in our hearts towards our crafts and talents and of course directed to God everyday of ourlives.

We got to Daehan retreat around 7pm and got home around close to 3pm today . That's not even full 24 hours ...especially including sleep! But it was truly incredible what God did to us last night in such a short matter of time. I really can't explain what went down last night in words. All i can say is that i'm so humbled and thankful of how God gathered each and every one of our worship team members and gathered us together last night. I'm so lucky to have been put in this church and to experience all this... God's prescence was definitly undeniable!

shoutouts to a couple of ppl that really touched my heart last night:
darrick: i pray that you overcome all your struggles and i told you this last night for words of encouragment but really i believe that God is stirring up your heart only to bring you clsoer to him
jaisy: you are such a great role model in my life. your passion towards Christ and music amazes me day by day. thank you for always showing your unconditional love towards me
john whang: man...4 yrs since i've known you. we've gone through alot together hanging out in the same crowd..and i would have never imagined back in our everyweekend drinking sessions that we would experience what we did last night together! love you bro!
..and for the rest of you guys seriously... i've JUST joined the worship team and everyone made me feel a part of this family. getting to know some of you for the first time.. just hanging out ..talking.. was so greattt!
I feel really blessed.

YAY success! please give a well round of applause to Julie Lee who did NOT go to red party!
after many comtemplations due to thse multiple texts and calls,
"jutt got a ticket for you!"
"why!???? come'
'we have an extra vip ticket for u if u can make it let me know'
etc.....

i studied with some awesome buddies instead at second cup! But really i appreciate the love and wanting my presence there with you guys... seriously this just seemed like the one event EVERYONE i knew was going to.

However i'm greatly disappointed to announce that i am still a vampire. i stayed up till 8am yesterday... passed out...woke up around 4pm. Luckily today i have to wake up at 8am anyway to be at church by 9am.... soooo all nighter attempt number #2!

It 's exactly 15 min 'til 6am and yes ...i have decided to pull my long awaited all nighter because i need to fix my utterly retarded sleeping pattern. i need to break this spell of being a vampire!!! What's keeping me determined to stay up this morning is the result of gobbling down chicken breast with kimchi (although quite healthy...) that my mom made around 8 hours ago (9pm) ..yeah there's no way i'm going right to sleep after that one hahaha!


there's a lot of things i want to blab about in my blog right now because at this very moment i feel WIDE AWAKE. But tonight i struggled with temptation so I'll blog about that ... >=O
if you've known me for the past 3 yrs or so you might have been aware that i was a heavy clubaholic. thurs fri sat and the occasional sun night events every week!! oh boy. i have escaped this addiction thankfully due to the circumstances that came along since.. september i believe! Tonight was a true moment of relapse, or potential of it haha. i told people i wouldn't go to a specific event tomorrow because i knew certain ppl were attending..and i'm not ready to face what i've left a mess just yet. that alone should have kept me stern not to go. but it did not. something so small and insignificant made me want to goooo soooo bad and i asked myself, 'why am i letting these ppl control what i want to do and where i want to hang out'
then a good friend of mine who most ppl like to refer to him as g-string said to me,
"hey i had a lot of respct for you when you were so sure that you weren't going, now you're just rationalizing because you want to go"
..........he's right. it's not about ppl holding me back on what i want to do. i don't think God would want me to face my broken relationships in a chaotic drinking environment... where i tend to act the most and say the most blunt things at a drunken state (so if you ever think i'm hiding something from you, just get me drunk AHAHA). plus .. this is the exact environment where the drama was made possible and all began. Old habits are hard to break! but i'm breaking one tonight. I will give up my foolish desires and be happy about it.

"The christian religion is in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin with comfort"

ps - i dont feel comfortable not clubbing =P. lol. doodoodoo.. yea this blog entry isn't insightful enough to relate it to God....or so i thought..... anything is relatable to God right?!

This week's playlist is dedicated to John Mayer because his concert was fucking amazing. Oh yea... i'm back to swearing 'fuck' instead of 'eff' because i don't understand theidea of sayin 'eff' instead of 'fuck' when you really mean FUCK anyway...
ANYWAYS
i don't understand how one being can be so amazing at singing, songwriting, composing, and a sickkkkkkkk ass guitarist......................
life is not fair.
those songs on my playlist are some of my favourite songs from all of his albums. i hope you enjoy.

...
relationships are very fragile.
what you say
waht you don't say
what you do and not do.

woke up this morning to the voices of my parents yelling at each other.
the last time i heard them fight like that was 7 yrs ago. wtf.. grade 9 was 7 yrs ago?!
wow times flies.
it was definitly not a surprise that they were arguing aobut the exact same thing as the last time.
a marriage that is not God centered is supremely chaotic.
yes. God forgives our mistakes if we repent. but the consequences of a mistake/sin lasts a life time. things don't vanish outof our faces just because we are forgiven.
i witness the result of consequences that my parents are havign to deal with 20+ yrs of their marriage.
what really scares me is that they are not believers of Christ.

new week, new play list =)
....
dang everyone needs to go check out that Live clip of Hillsong ...or is it Hillsong United?? singing - With Everything ..search it on youtube !!! man that song gets to me everytime... i get chills from that song whether i'm on my way to school, on the bus, or just in my room listening to it. This past sunday Young talked to our English Ministry about obsession. Being obsessed with God. This song completely embodies that sermon.

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

There's so much that i want to accomplish in life. Get into grad school. Get a stable job...so that my parents can friggin retire and my dad can stop working 12 hrs 7 days per week. Lead my family to Christ...so that they can be Saved. Get married so that i can experience the moment of holding my dad's hand and walking down an aisle. Have children so that my parent's can experience holding their grandchildren in their arms.
Family is everything...and i tend to judge people a lot by the way people treat their own.... it says so much about the state of one's heart and their character. I believe the greatest love begins with God. But the next link is your family ..not you friends..your family. Doesn't matter how much you may value your friends. If your a totally different person behind the closed doors of your home..and you treat your family different than you to do your firends..your a phony. straight up. After you've learned to love your family unconditionally then should come friends. trust me. it took 21 years for me to realize that. I guess better late than never.
What i often tend to forget is that all these goals and expectations we have for ourselves don't matter. If our focus and single purpose is directed towards God everything else will just fall into place... i understand this. i want to believe it. i want to be obsessed. but i'm not quite there yet.

Q: are you anywhere near being obsessed with God?

YES i figured out how to put music on this stupid blog. harhar~ i'll only be putting up the best OF the best on my playlist
.....
music is definitley my first love. before any boy.
as a singer myself i'm so drawn to artist's with distinctive voices.
the four that i added to my playlist up there are no exceptions.
each voice is so raw..you just can't imitate or even practice to have voices like them..you'll just sound stupid. the colour of ones voice is no doubt a gift.
ever since singing became a school thing. my passion burnt out.
my level of talent outside of classical singing is nowhere compared to where it was before.
i only have myself to blame.
sure, i miss the good ol' days when i could bust out any song and ppl would be like woaaah.
but i'm sure God has a purpose for taking away what was given from Him inthe first place.
i'm hoping joining the worship team will help me get back to where i used to be aka a confident singer.


Mark 8:34-37
"you must put aside your selfish amibition, shoulder your cross and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will loose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of good news, you will find true life"

Q of the day:
Am i doing this for Him or me?

i've failed to add a Mixpod on my blog page. why am i sooo insufficient with webpage stuff >=(...
finally started writting in this blog that i created 3 months ago to keep my self accountable on:
a) my spiritual life
b) my goal to lose weight

.....
Back in August right before joyful and onnuri merged i made a visit to my old home church Full Gospel Mission Church. During prayer time I'll never forget the moment Paul's dad prayed for me and said out loud,

'there's a new wave coming into your life'

I didn't tell Pastor Youn anything about what was going on in my life. In fact I didn't even speak a single word while he was praying for me. That amazed me. God amazed me. Prayer for me ..i mean like really genuine prayer from my gut down to my soul is always associated with desperation. That desperate moment was the only time I've ever walked out of my house and took and hour bus ride to a church... asked someone to pray for me ..and cried in front of someone without being pissed drunk. God always finds me during my time of struggle. Couple of weeks ago i was so frustrated with a situation that i seriously wanted to stab someone with the knivessssss in my kitchen!!!!! lol.... but then someone reminded me and said,

"tribulations can not seize until God sees a man completely changed"
That quote changed my whole perspective on the situation. Seriously i need to stop bitching about my tiny microscopic problems and being so self-oriented 24/7.
Question for everyone:
what are our struggles or problems anyway if going through them means to get closer to God?