debrief,

mixpod is being really lame. so i could not make a new playlist =(. i guess im going to have to hog all the good music to myself lol....

this winter break was really interesting. full of emotional turmoils the first two weeks that really shed light on my own insecurity, fear, lack of patience/faith/hope/trust in God, and selfish ambitions/desires. the two weeks following after that i felt completelyyyy the opposite. God has really shown me time and time AGAIN that i shouldn't rely on my own feelings and intuitions on any situation or circumstance... because everything always turns out as what i didn't expect. it's been the biggest blessing to have the Holy Spirit dwell in me ..to show me that sometimes i just need to have some patienceeee, instead of jumping to my own conclusions with a freakout and later finding out ...ha....ha..... i would have saved myself from a lot of unecessary distractions

i've learned how far i still need to go into putting Christ as center in my life.

space,

space = the 1 month of freeedom i have until next semester starts again. space to spend some quality time with God, fam, people, and of course, music.

certain artists and songs are like the musical bible ... no matter how many times i sing/listen/play it.. there's something new to pick up on each time. prettyyyy crazy how i don't get sick of it but appreciate it more each time

maybe education isn't a total waste after all,

as i sit here having my own little spiritual warfare of doubts.... asking myself .."why am i doing a 5th year when i had the choice to graduate this past april?" ..obvious answer, "so i can get into grad school and have a legit full time job in the future"... i doubt myself for the second time again asking "why did i enrol in a music studies course where i have to write papers.. when i don't have to take any more difficult/required courses?!?!" ..answer "because i love gospel music?"

taking a course called "the history of gospel music" right now and i chose to write a paper on a man named Thomas Andrew Dorsey, many refer to him as "The father" of gospel music....

these are the words he expressed when he lost his wife to giving birth to his first child... who also died the day after she did.

"We never really miss anyone until they are gone for good. I missed Nettie on every turn of the way. When I came in after a hard day, there was no one to greet me at the door. When I sat to the table to eat, there was no smiling face across the table and I had to eat alone. When I retired for the night, there was no goodnight kiss. I became so lonely I did not feel that I could go on alone. I needed help; my friends and relations had done all they could for me. I was failing and did not see how I could live"

i can't believe this man experienced one of my greatest fears... to loose a loved one and dealing with the aftermath. knowing you can't do anything about it.

realized how fortunate i am to even have the choice and opportunity to continue to go to school...and how blessed i am that the people i love the most are here with me right now,

if tears could speak,

there's something really powerful about watching your brothers and sisters getting baptized and being an observer of them declaring to their community and loved ones that they have chosen to follow Christ. although i've already been baptized when i was 13 and wasn't one of the individuals getting dunked in that tub of water today.. i feel a renewal in my Spirit.

Stirred. and confused internally. but honoured and so thankful i got to praise God on that stage today.

what happens after the storm,

"For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death". - 2 Corinthians 7:10

Just a verse that really stood out to me during my bible readings. It's very difficult to turn my eyes away from what I have been forced out of. I'm not exactly sure for what purpose God is allowing me to cross paths with certain people again. I feel great amount of gratitude and am humbled that I have the opportunity to talk to them again.. and that we have peace towards each other. But the tremendous amount of sorrow I felt two years ago is what has helped me drive away from sin and broke me down to desperation...and gave me the desire to seek salvation in God.

yes , sometimes i do anticipate. but i'm glad that we haven't. i really wish you were the person i hoped that you would be by now.... God definitely knew what He was doing when He took you away from me,

jollyheart*

feeling really inspired by the Holy Spirit today. God is genuinely blessing our small group to new proximity, intimacy, trust, an direction. I am so blessed to be at this church and to have been given the opportunity to know these girls and share with them my testimony and struggles.

extremely thankful for also being able to recognize just how blessed i am for my relationships with my family, admist of the brokeness. so thankful for my friends who support me in ways words cannot express, admist all the many reconciliating, forgiving, and peave making that still needs to be done with people from my past.

thank you God for providing my daily needs. giving me a gift and a passion. . . . . . and even for my sins , becuase without them i would never turn to you or even know you. thank you for finding me and drawing me close to you,
Amen!

goodbye and well, hello there?

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life" - Psalms 139: 23-24