maybe education isn't a total waste after all,

as i sit here having my own little spiritual warfare of doubts.... asking myself .."why am i doing a 5th year when i had the choice to graduate this past april?" ..obvious answer, "so i can get into grad school and have a legit full time job in the future"... i doubt myself for the second time again asking "why did i enrol in a music studies course where i have to write papers.. when i don't have to take any more difficult/required courses?!?!" ..answer "because i love gospel music?"

taking a course called "the history of gospel music" right now and i chose to write a paper on a man named Thomas Andrew Dorsey, many refer to him as "The father" of gospel music....

these are the words he expressed when he lost his wife to giving birth to his first child... who also died the day after she did.

"We never really miss anyone until they are gone for good. I missed Nettie on every turn of the way. When I came in after a hard day, there was no one to greet me at the door. When I sat to the table to eat, there was no smiling face across the table and I had to eat alone. When I retired for the night, there was no goodnight kiss. I became so lonely I did not feel that I could go on alone. I needed help; my friends and relations had done all they could for me. I was failing and did not see how I could live"

i can't believe this man experienced one of my greatest fears... to loose a loved one and dealing with the aftermath. knowing you can't do anything about it.

realized how fortunate i am to even have the choice and opportunity to continue to go to school...and how blessed i am that the people i love the most are here with me right now,

if tears could speak,

there's something really powerful about watching your brothers and sisters getting baptized and being an observer of them declaring to their community and loved ones that they have chosen to follow Christ. although i've already been baptized when i was 13 and wasn't one of the individuals getting dunked in that tub of water today.. i feel a renewal in my Spirit.

Stirred. and confused internally. but honoured and so thankful i got to praise God on that stage today.

what happens after the storm,

"For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death". - 2 Corinthians 7:10

Just a verse that really stood out to me during my bible readings. It's very difficult to turn my eyes away from what I have been forced out of. I'm not exactly sure for what purpose God is allowing me to cross paths with certain people again. I feel great amount of gratitude and am humbled that I have the opportunity to talk to them again.. and that we have peace towards each other. But the tremendous amount of sorrow I felt two years ago is what has helped me drive away from sin and broke me down to desperation...and gave me the desire to seek salvation in God.

yes , sometimes i do anticipate. but i'm glad that we haven't. i really wish you were the person i hoped that you would be by now.... God definitely knew what He was doing when He took you away from me,

jollyheart*

feeling really inspired by the Holy Spirit today. God is genuinely blessing our small group to new proximity, intimacy, trust, an direction. I am so blessed to be at this church and to have been given the opportunity to know these girls and share with them my testimony and struggles.

extremely thankful for also being able to recognize just how blessed i am for my relationships with my family, admist of the brokeness. so thankful for my friends who support me in ways words cannot express, admist all the many reconciliating, forgiving, and peave making that still needs to be done with people from my past.

thank you God for providing my daily needs. giving me a gift and a passion. . . . . . and even for my sins , becuase without them i would never turn to you or even know you. thank you for finding me and drawing me close to you,
Amen!

goodbye and well, hello there?

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life" - Psalms 139: 23-24

blank.

____ is not my life. nor is it my career. and definitely not my pass time. it is something in which i believe He has chosen for me. a gateway for passion, to release, to express, to outreach, to engage, to save.
my ____ is a gift in which He gave me. i can utilize it, put it on top of a stand for the light to shine, or put it under a basket and hide it's quality.
God's giving me a stirring inside to take this and run with it. but.... i'm not a very good runner for two reasons. 1. i'm lazy 2. i'm scared of failing.
realizing how short life is every single day... on the contrary, we don't even know when our times up...so how can we realistically measure how fast or slow we are even going ?! trying to figure how to fuel and ignite something when there is no oil.

verse of the day:
Matthew 5:22-25 "if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgment... go and be reconciled with that person.......come to terms quickly with your enemy before it is too late and you are dragged into court".

another2am.

*new playlist =D=D.......=S does anyone care? hahaha i don't even know who comes to my page anymore because i no longer blog on a regular basis. maybe this post will break the pattern of silence that i have been carrying through for the past few months.

D'angelo. omg D'angelo. i sort of........ didn't want to post his song up on that play list, because i want to hog his music all to myself. obsess over it and master it. and make his sound mine. jk.no ..but. seriously. he is masterful with the gnere of r&b. he inspires me oh em gee yes he does. i don't really have a concrete list of my top fav 10 singers... but i think he would be pretty darn close to top 5...

when people ask me "so what type of genre do you sing?" "who do you listen to?" or "who are your favourite artists?" .. i would give them the "so and so" answer and they would typically say "ooooh you like r&b , r&b... like old school r&b". WAKE UP FOLKS it's not old school that IS r&b what you here nowadyas ..neyo rihanna keri hilson chris brown etcetc are not r&b...that is POP. just becuase they are of african american descent does NOT make them r&b.

im not sure where im going with this post................ i got caught up with r&b trying to pick those four songs for this silly playlist and it destracted me.. when i really got a stirring up inside to write about this:

i've had major issues with relationships all my life.. whether it's family, friends, or significant other...and 'acquaintance' is an issue of a whole other spectrum (maybe ill write about some other time) because i am so extremely professional at tuning people out/ignoring their presence because it's so much more easier to not make the effort ...

i've always battled and battled... why do i have so many conflicts inmy relationships.... how can i stop the tension, the drama, and the unecessary stress! is it me ..is it them....is it us...? up till two years ago i would have probably said, simple..cut them out. but God of course has briliantly showed me time and time again and has shed His light towards this matter. the truth is, there is always a way to avoid conflict, always a way out to hurting people...and when i felt like i didn't want to intentionally hurt others but still was... it's probably because i didn't try or want it enough to resolve it... my heart was clearly desiring the hate/grudge/pride/jealousy over peace. now it's funny because relationships in my life have really blossomed into peaceful ones these past two years. God has shown me impossible things happen between me and my particular relationships in an incredible positive change. lately i've been really asking God to give me peaceful relationships...not because i have conflicts... but so that i can maintain this peace ..because so often emotions can hinder you back to old habits. i think tonight He's been teaching me to have a genuine heart. to genuinely and honestly desire peace.