Please your pride, telling lies that you're on your own

^ that specific line in a song really opened my eyes to all the levels of pride that exist in my heart. feeling alone, that sense of lonliness itself is the unbelief that God is with me all the time. it is the actual self-persuasion that from what i feel sometimes it come to belief that i am completely by myself in this world. what an insult my pride has been towards God who is with me ALL THE TIME.. even when i'm so blind to his presence.

God truly remains FAITHFUL to me...... just last night i've realized that He had answered me. Answered a prayer i probably so desperately hoped for back 4 years ago. which i totally forgot about. it's funny how when time passes and things get better i tend to forget the fear, the pain, and the desperation...and most importantly His acceptance, His mercy, and His love.

as yukimi would say 'after the rain we forget..we make sure we gain and then we leave it... cause we're a nation of forgetters'

do you see the peep of light?

finding so much great love and support within the community of God.
i am so grateful i have people in my life where i can go to and be completely vulnerable with. even though the condition of my heart is so ugly, broken, and lost.. God has blessed relationships in my life... to channel through them ..to experience His unconditional love, salvation, and acceptance.

inspired to put Him as center.


searching,

self-realizations,

God is taking me on a journey of an emotional rollercoaster ride.
it feels really similar to some place i've been before
but the situation itself is completely different

what i've come to realize is that i need certain things to grow in this Faith.
i can't stand certain things and i don't know how to deal with it.
but i do know that i have a lot of love supporting me right now.

so frustrated, scared, and hesitant at times
but so grateful.

debrief,

mixpod is being really lame. so i could not make a new playlist =(. i guess im going to have to hog all the good music to myself lol....

this winter break was really interesting. full of emotional turmoils the first two weeks that really shed light on my own insecurity, fear, lack of patience/faith/hope/trust in God, and selfish ambitions/desires. the two weeks following after that i felt completelyyyy the opposite. God has really shown me time and time AGAIN that i shouldn't rely on my own feelings and intuitions on any situation or circumstance... because everything always turns out as what i didn't expect. it's been the biggest blessing to have the Holy Spirit dwell in me ..to show me that sometimes i just need to have some patienceeee, instead of jumping to my own conclusions with a freakout and later finding out ...ha....ha..... i would have saved myself from a lot of unecessary distractions

i've learned how far i still need to go into putting Christ as center in my life.

space,

space = the 1 month of freeedom i have until next semester starts again. space to spend some quality time with God, fam, people, and of course, music.

certain artists and songs are like the musical bible ... no matter how many times i sing/listen/play it.. there's something new to pick up on each time. prettyyyy crazy how i don't get sick of it but appreciate it more each time

maybe education isn't a total waste after all,

as i sit here having my own little spiritual warfare of doubts.... asking myself .."why am i doing a 5th year when i had the choice to graduate this past april?" ..obvious answer, "so i can get into grad school and have a legit full time job in the future"... i doubt myself for the second time again asking "why did i enrol in a music studies course where i have to write papers.. when i don't have to take any more difficult/required courses?!?!" ..answer "because i love gospel music?"

taking a course called "the history of gospel music" right now and i chose to write a paper on a man named Thomas Andrew Dorsey, many refer to him as "The father" of gospel music....

these are the words he expressed when he lost his wife to giving birth to his first child... who also died the day after she did.

"We never really miss anyone until they are gone for good. I missed Nettie on every turn of the way. When I came in after a hard day, there was no one to greet me at the door. When I sat to the table to eat, there was no smiling face across the table and I had to eat alone. When I retired for the night, there was no goodnight kiss. I became so lonely I did not feel that I could go on alone. I needed help; my friends and relations had done all they could for me. I was failing and did not see how I could live"

i can't believe this man experienced one of my greatest fears... to loose a loved one and dealing with the aftermath. knowing you can't do anything about it.

realized how fortunate i am to even have the choice and opportunity to continue to go to school...and how blessed i am that the people i love the most are here with me right now,

if tears could speak,

there's something really powerful about watching your brothers and sisters getting baptized and being an observer of them declaring to their community and loved ones that they have chosen to follow Christ. although i've already been baptized when i was 13 and wasn't one of the individuals getting dunked in that tub of water today.. i feel a renewal in my Spirit.

Stirred. and confused internally. but honoured and so thankful i got to praise God on that stage today.