newEndingsnewBeginnings.

can't believe this summer is coming to an end in 2 weeks.
this summer ... i don't know.. i can't really sum up in words what this summer was all about.
but some of the things i did were, go to a cottage x2, beach, many many dt patios, drive-in movie, do a photoshoot, met up with friends i haven't seen in a decade, one retarded night of getting drunk out of my ass, went on dates, went to brampton to see pro baseball players (better than watching the jays game, which i did this summer too because i actually knew a guy on the team we went to go see!)...

ya anyways... lets get down to the more intimate stuff.

this summer i felt like God was trying to emphasize the importance of alot of things ..like dicipline, obedience, faith, but most importantly love. it's come to a point where i don't have to remind myself to do QT anymore. but the challenge in that was that i tended to just read the bible and not dig into the scripture because it became such a routine. the book of Philippians is helping me really take heart of what scripture is and i end up reading one chapter like 3 times because God's message in every verse holds such significance..and i don't wanna forget it. serving in the youth and EM worship team was a challenge at one point this summer and i started to slack off. but a good wake up call made me realize ..this isn't for me, this is for Him. making a commitment to this team has been one of the biggest blessings for me spiritually and musically.
from the many things i've experienced this summer...i think i'm incredibly thankful for where my relationships have come. i've reached places i thought i could never go with my parents, close friends, and those whom i didn't even consider friends.
after 4 weeks of hard struggle on the piano....i've 'composed' a couple of unfinished piano compositions.. but today i wrote my first song. i am excited to put this song together with chords tomorrow..and let people hear it so i can get some feedback. i feel a little more relieved. but still deathly frightened about all this grad school nonsense.

*playlist- past couple of weeks i've been really inspired by those five tracks while i was in the process of improvising and composing songs. i want to make music like that. music that can touch your unconsciousness and bring you to an emotional place where you can be real with yourself. and God.

"in everything you do, stay away from complaining and arguing, so that no one can speak a word of blame against you." - Philippians 2:14-15

direction.

as i've began my very first 'composition'..
playing around with chords, intervals, melodies, and inversions on the piano...
my improvisation is slowwwwwwwwly but surely turning into a structured song.
a song that i can reclaim of my own. i never thought that i had the ability to do this, But God has truly brought me to places beyond my imagination with music.
i've been reading research papers from the grad school i plan on applying to.. reading findings from their on site campus clinics. one of the research papers said this,

"when one has connection with their own repetoire, they can connect with others in a deeper level'

the more i learn about this grad program. i grow more interest and passion for it. i can see why God has chosen this unexpected direction for me. Praise the Lord!


*playlist- dedicated to Christina Aguilera...because i forgot how amazing she was. Her new single 'You Lost Me' totally touched me on an emotional level that i just don't get from radio music these days. ended up downloading exactly 21 songs from Christina's old and new albums. it was definitely difficult to cut it down to such a short amount for the playlist!

Faith.

"faith is not belief without proof, but trusting in Him and already knowing."

this will be one blunt post that might make me look like a straight up bitch.
some people I just can't seem to stand seriously. their actions, character, personality, beliefs, past relations with them..or whatever it is will make me cringe inside being around them. especially if i've never had a personal depth of closeness with you.. cutting you out...or bumping you from 'friend' to 'acquaintance' is not big deal. i've had ALOT of people come in and out of my life.
that was my mentality...
until someone i couldn't stand for years totally caught me off gaurd today. they gave me a small but worthy sign of appreciation. and i was ever so greatful.
all this time i've been praying to God saying something along the lines of.... i have faith that everything will turn out right through You. yet i had absolutely no Faith in people that simply annoyed me. how did i ever expect for people to recognize my changes and mistakes and have compassion towards it .. when i don't give them the equal opportunity?
He has totally humbled me down tonight.

midjulycrisis.

past couple of weeks have been really frustrating. i'm singing songs repetitively over and over again trying to hit those notes that seem impossible to reach. i dread going to the piano to practice repetoire that daunt me. i feel like i'm improving 0%. when did my passion become such a chore? i'm starting to get terrified as each discouraging practice session at home passes by and i'm only getting closer to my grad school applications, audition, and deadlines. yes, in the midest of my mid-july-crisis.. i went to small group today and i was awakened. awakened by the fact that i wasn't alone in feeling lost and concerned about my future. that i'm not alone on this journey. thanks girls, you guys are awesome! i'm beginning to get a glimpse of why God desires unity and fellowship within his children. it's been a huge blessing coming into this small group in many ways. but i love particularly how each of our members are so different in personality and character.. but they all embody strong opinions, respect, the brains, that..."nuh-uh i don't tolerate BS" right amount of attitude, and of course love for Christ...i feel like each week our discussions are never boring :)

QT** it's been a long sauga since april.. but i've managed to finish Mathew,Mark, Luke, John and finally on Acts! i mean i know how significant the Passover weekend is to us. But reading it in different versions four times consecutively was a challenge but indeed meaningful and informative! excited to see what His Word will reveal to me in the book of Acts.

playlist- obsessed with this korean drama right now called Bad Guy ('nabbun namja')..all the music is from the official soundtrack.. i particularly loveee the first song on that list.

bliss.

do you know where your heart is
do you think you can find it
or did you trade it for something
somewhere better just to have it
do you know where your love is
do you think that you lost it
you felt it so strong, but
nothing's turned out how you wanted
- OneRepublic : Say (All i need)

i was listening to this song on Phil's CD on our way to the cottage ..and he didn't know the title of the song so i started to write part of the lyrics on my cell phone and saved it as a draft. came home. googled it. dowloaded it. wow i am such a nerd and obsessed with good songs when i hear one.
i think i finally realize where my heart and my love is. actually i'm pretty sure i knew all along exactly where it was, i'm just not afraid to admit it now. i was taking some time last night to ...for once in my life not pray about me and my life and my future.. but just sit my ass down and focus on each member of my immediate family..my mom, dad, and my brother. how is it that my life would drastically change in a split second.. if i were to loose any of the 3 but i'm not doing anything about the fact that none of them know Christ. i feel like i really need to pray for my family more. that prayer led me trying to pray for all the people around me. that eventually led me to praying for you. it was the most liberating feeling to pray for someone who i know for a fact that hates me to death right now..but i felt complete genuine love for that person.
so much of my heart and love is still with you.
but i didn't pray hoping for a miracle so that one day just maybe we'll get another chance.
i prayed in hopes that maybe one day you will know the God that i know and he will change you and your life the way He has changed mine.


* playlist dedicated to songs that i listened to during this weekend (from wayne's amazing ipod list) ..that i totally forgot about..and once again redownloaded once i got home =)

sci-fi.

something about creatures with extrodinary abilities with fangs that drink human blood really interests me..clearly.... because i've been watching vampire diraries ALL DAY LONG.. finished ep 1-7 which is... almost half of the total season episodes. hahaha plus i've read the 3rd and currently finishing up the 4th twilight book Breaking Dawn (pretty psyched for the movie coming out soon too....). i remember i've always enjoyed vampire entertainment even when i was younger... like, The Interview with the vampire, Buffy the vampire slayer, Queen of the Damned, and even the Underworld movies. Someone needs to save me from this guilty pleasure. To avoid feeling like a total sloth inbetween my precious episodes of vampire diaries.. i cleaned the washrooms, dishes, and laundry today. i guess being sick for 2 weeks and having to be stuck at home most of the time makes you do these things!

it's been a summer where i honestly feel like ..i've got all the time in the world ..with no job or summer school... until i read my Grad School requirements and it said during the audition process i must "do a performance of a song (either composed or arranged by them)". i gotta double check tomorrow with a friend who has already graduated from this program but.. i hope this composition can be a song outside of classical sound... because classical singers don't compose music o.0...we sing the millions of 16th-20th century repetoire that is written for us hahahaha. but writing and composing a song should be fun.. and a huge challenge..but maybe this will be a first of many!

playlist: dedicated to musiq soulchild because he is beyond words amazing.

" Good and evil both increase at a compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. And apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible" - C.S. Lewis

..
oh man C.S. Lewis is one heckkkk of a writer,
those lines really stood out to me today while i was reading his book.
had to make an entry on it.
can't agree more with what he's written.. and a great reminder to how much our everylittle action matters.